A Yankee fan offers helpful tips as baseball season gets underway.
It has returned, the season of baseball, a reclamation of diving catches and seventh-inning stretches.
It’s a stolen base through the aroma of freshly cut grass, a shortstop’s ballet of scoop, pivot and throw, a breaking ball freezing a batter on a scorching summer diamond.
It’ll be managers’ calls and umpires’ galls, line drives and losers’ cries.
And Red Sox fans.
Yeah, they’re part of the deal. But don’t worry. Here’s how to spot them:
In a crowd of people, Red Sox fans are the ones who look like they cut heir own hair.
Red Sox fans love the sights and sounds of a gas station bathroom because it reminds them of Fenway Park.
Red Sox fans will be the ones who are as familiar with baseball as Lindsay Lohan is with clean living.
The woman driving in front of you for miles with her turn signal on is a Red Sox fan.
Customer service reps at the cable company know to ask two questions of callers who complain about poor reception: 1. Are you a Red Sox fan? 2. Are you trying to watch TV on your microwave oven again?
Radio DJs who keep talking through the instrumental opening of a song are Red Sox fans.
Red Sox fans think the trilogy peaked with “Godfather III.“;
Studies (I’m sure I’ve heard somewhere) show Red Sox fans are more likely to spill food on their clothes than other people.
The guy who waits in front of you in a long line at the sandwich shop but then gets to the counter and can’t decide what to order is a Red Sox fan.
And so is the woman who pays by writing out a check at the supermarket checkout line with five people waiting behind her, after grabbing through her purse to locate her checkbook.
Red Sox fans like going to the dentist.
Red Sox fans think Trot Nixon is still on the team.
The guy who has completed a transaction but sits parked at the ATM machine with all the awareness of a cat sprawled in the sun is a Red Sox fan.
A Red Sox fan’s favorite episodes of the Three Stooges all feature Shemp.
Red Sox fans don’t use paper clips because they don’t know how.
In case computers don’t catch on, Red Sox fans have their crayons in a safe place.
Red Sox fans run the post office.
And studies (I’ve been led to believe) have found that most telemarketers are Red Sox fans.
Mike Plaisance is a proud fan of the New York Yankees and veteran paper clip user.