Some presents to consider are listed in this week's Baker's Dozen.
A man as big as 6-foot-6 Adam Phillips of UMass deserves a holiday clothing gift certificate from his teammates.Yes, there will be a test, and there may be some sort of prize. I said "may". It's my sneaky way of getting you to keep hitting on my posts.
Anyway, I'll try to give this a holiday theme:
1. What should UMass centers want for Christmas?
A new book and video on - "How to Cheat on Faceoffs and Get Away With It".
The Minutemen have lost 521 faceoffs, and won 441 so far this season. That's 80 more times overall, and 5.3 more possessions per game for the opposition. This crash course is the quick fix.
2. What should the bus driver get the players for Christmas?
A DVD of the movie "Slapshot" to loosen them up, and encourage them to hit. It is to be played on the way to road games in an effort to improve their dismal road record. No accompanying fan bus with mooning will be permitted except at BC.
3. What should the players get assistant coach Blaise MacDonald for Christmas?
Stilts. So they can see him as well as hear him when he addresses them on the ice during practice.
4. What should coach Toot Cahoon give his players for Christmas. This is a tough one, so Toot will need several ideas. Here are a few.
He could give them:
A. Threats (of less ice time if they don't play well).
B. Two nice plaques for the outside of their locker that provide motivation. One will say:
"Thorough" and the other "Attention to Detail" - two of Toot's favorite phrases. Now I also considered suggesting "60 Minutes" but I thought perhaps one of our academically challenged tough guys might think it had something to do with the TV news show.
C. An autographed picture of himself from his days with the New England Blades of the Eastern Hockey League. Remember old-timers how they played at the Eastern States Coliseum? Bill Rasmussen, the founder of ESPN, was the spokesperson for the team.
They also had a player named Thunder Thornton. So the ads om TV-22 said. "Come Root for Toot, and Clap for Thunder."
I was a Springfield Kings fan back then, in fact the PA announcer. Parent LA also had a team in the EHL called the Suncoast Suns, who played in Jacksonville, Fla. So I went to a game against the Blades excited about the Suns because there could be future Springfield players on it. So, I've never admitted this to anyone before, but I was rooting hard against Toot, Thunder, and their coach Rick Green that night. Sorry Toot.
Hey, I just got an idea for an ad UMass could run: "Come Root for Toot Not to Blunder."
With that, I guess it's time to move on.
5. What should the team give goaltender Jeff Teglia for Christmas?
A small, hidden compass he can attach to the inside of his glove in case he loses his bearings while roaming out of the net.
6. What should the other players get Oleg Yevenko and Adam Phillips for Christmas?
A gift certificate from the Rochester Big and Tall website for men's clothing. Oleg is 6-7, and Adam is 6-6. We don't want them wasting their time trying to find clothes around here that will fit them when they could be practicing and studying.
7. What should the players give the UMass fans for Christmas?
Their all, and a winning record the rest of the way.
Some other thoughts:
8. Northeastern benefits more than any other Hockey East team from BU losing Corey Trivino and Charlie Coyle. The Huskies are the only team in the conference that has all three of its games with the Terriers remaining.
9. Even including the weather-held down crowd of 2,473 for the mid-week game against Yale, UMass hockey is still averaging 4,448 fans per game over eight dates. It's too bad the students won't be around for the next home game - Jan. 13 against Boston College. Personally, I'd never allow a BC or BU home game to be scheduled while the students are away. You're giving up a 5000 - 8,000 screaming home crowd. Now I know how tough scheduling is, and Hockey East has to try and keep everyone happy. But this kind of game requires stretching the truth. "Oh, we can't play Jan. 13 at home because we're supposed to have a church group come in to clean the building." Or "Governor Patrick is planning a surprise visit to address the entire University staff that day, it just hasn't been announced. Let's move the BC game farther along by a few weeks."
10. Hey, our state school has a lot of pull. How about someone getting Bobby Valentine to come out and drop the first puck, and say something about winning in Massachusetts - without the mustache.
11. When I"m still writing after the game, and those kids are changing the building over to basketball, I always wondered how those numbered floor boards don't ever get out of order. There's a zillion of them - like a jig saw puzzle. Let me tell you, those kids work hard. If I were doing it, the baseline wouldn't even end up straight.
12. Merrimack has slipped a bit lately, but it's only three points behind BC with three games in hand.
13. I had to look this up because when I saw that freshman goaltender Kevin Boyle was from Manalapan, NJ., I didn't believe there was a Manalapn, N.J., and that it was something some PR guy made up. But it's a township with a population of 38,872 with a motto of "Good Place to Live." The name "Manalapan" comes from the Lenape word
meaning "Land of good bread or good land to settle upon."
And that settles the Baker's Dozen for this week. Please feel free to comment, and include subjects you'd like addressed.